Hanging onto the rope for dear life
The illusion of control hangs in the balance
In denial that I cannot orchestrate everything
Because that’s the only way I can feel safe
Hanging onto the rope makes me feel
Like I’m doing something at least
Holding everything together
Even when the rope is just hanging
Not really holding anything at all
Like the horse attached to the chair
My own limitations are the only thing holding me back
As I cling for dear life
To the rope not attached to anything
When I let go of the rope
I can be free to be me
But I leave it tied to nothing
But my own limitations

I dare not breathe
Everything around me is in precarious purgatory
If I let go of the rope tying it all together
It surely will fall to pieces
I’m holding onto that damn rope so tight
I can’t feel my fingers anymore
Gripping, controlling, planning, organizing
If I figure everything out
There will be no more breaking, crumbling down
or unexpected surprises tearing me apart
If I hang onto the rope a little tighter now
I’ll expect the rope burn that’s coming
But at least I’ll have the illusion of control
Even when I have none at all
In denial like quicksand
Getting deeper with each moment
I dare not breathe
For it may be the last one I take

written June 2016