I felt the pain encompass my body
The warmth of the energy inside was trying to process and dissipate it
But the pain remained
I was doing everything I could to avoid it
To squash it down and silence it
But it just got louder
Tears as I ate to harm myself
Tears as I tried to exercise
Tears
But not when I want them to fall
When I am locked away safe in my room
With no one to see or intrude
Wanting to process the pain
But not on display for the world
Sadness for those I miss
Moments I long to live again
The touches I can still feel on my skin
The kisses on my lips
The hugs enveloping me with unconditional love
The furry comfort of those taken too soon
Too many taken too soon
Dreams not realized
The more I try the further they get
Chasing them all the way to the lake
And beyond
Drowning in their hope
Possibilities slipping through my fingers
To the depths of the lake
Taunting me
If I have the courage to hold my breath
And plunge deep enough
Not knowing if I’ll find them
Or drown in the dark depths in the process
Wanting to lift them up on the wings of my heart
But not knowing where to start
The pain sears my chest
Physical manifestations of emotional symptoms
All is connected
I know all is connected
I am connected still to all that’s been lost
As I am connected to all that is meant to be
Patience alludes me
Like my dreams playing a cat and mouse game
Hope is drowning
But I can’t keep my energy connected
Drowning suffocating pleading dying for hope
Hoping for what
I don’t even know anymore
It all seems so far away
And the positivity and love slip through my fingers
Only allowing me to hold them for a few fleeting moments
Long enough to keep me going
One more day