No one sees me break

No one sees me shake

No one sees me in the darkness in my head

Wondering silently outloud if I’d be better off dead

Trapped by my own thoughts

Drowned by my own feelings

Not wanting to exist any longer

But I keep on helping others

And they’re grateful

But silent when I reach out

Unable to handle the intensity

That I’m expected to live with each and every day

Unable to handle me

As my heart shatters to pieces

They can’t deal with it

Isn’t there someone else I can go to

When you pay professionals to be your friend

And alone in the darkness you weep, wanting it to end

When will it end, when will the pain inside stop, when can it just be okay

I just want it to be okay

Tired of helping others

With no one to turn to myself

Darkness wraps around me

Like an old, much too familiar blanket

Smothering me, choking me

Paralyzing my productivity

I was okay, I was feeling on top of the world

Until it came crashing down around me

An earthquake that split my heart along its fault lines

So many fault lines shattered me apart

I can’t mend these faults now

Forced into the deep trenches created

By my own mistakes

Set backs step backs

This is not where I thought I’d be at 38

Wanting so much for my life

Dreams and hopes and goals and plans

Tossed down the deep trenches

Swallowed up by despair

I don’t know how to fix this, to get back to where I was

So I sit in the rain and cry with mother earth

Both of us never to be the same again

~written April 2020~