Waiting to exhale, I held myself tense
I didn’t know what was coming next
Or when the other shoe would drop
I didn’t know when I’d be brought to my knees

Collapsing crying unable to cope
Left broken and lost, searching for hope
Tired of these cycles of chaos continuing
Wanting off the roller coaster of ridiculous
Heart hurting not knowing how to help

Setting intentions, creating what I want to see, trying to relocate me
Trying to reset but hitting the speedbumps harder each time
Detours and delays when I’m already late

Time is a construct to help humans cope
Multiple dimensions all occurring simultaneously
While this time line bears the brunt

There has to be another reality
That maybe I can vacation in for a while
Reset my nervous system
Relaxing into feeling safe again

My head spinning, I don’t know what’s up or down
Looking at my dog laying next to me on his back with feet in the air
Clearly he doesn’t either

Unsure of the next step
Just when I think things are set
I build my confidence, gain some momentum
And bump, and another, and another
Consecutive, layered, can’t take a breath

The bumps I used to breathe held the illusion of escape
While destroying me more
I didn’t feel it as hard, so I thought

Now I’m catching up on years of numbing
My default is still wanting to escape
With food and other distractions
Sometimes the present is too much to bare
I dont feel safe, I want to break free
I dont like where it’s going, I don’t want to be me

But I am me, right here, right now
This moment is all that truly exists
If I’m not living now, making the most of now
Do I cease to even exist?

Questions used as more distraction
Taking steps to live more fully into me
Scattered words, scattered thoughts
Tempting distractions teasing me away
But here is where I need to stay

Is any of this even making sense?
Is it helping me at all?
Wildly going around and around
When all I really want is peace

I have big dreams and goals
The only way to them is focus
Believing in myself
Right here in this moment

Taking steps to create
Connection and caring
Daring to dream
Right here in this moment
I exhaled

From a daily writing prompt in the creative writing group I facilitate https://www.facebook.com/groups/213087289131266/