my words choked in cold sweat
my breath shallow in my chest
hands trembling with untempered anxiety
attention can’t focus longer than

what was I just doing
I don’t even remember anymore
pain so dark and deep
my thoughts spin crazy and senseless
I hurt
and cry
and don’t know why
most days
and when I do
I wish I didn’t
and wish I could just get lost
and forget it all
but I’ve left those days behind
and wish I could forget them
but I can’t
I’ve just walked away
with the lesson
and the memory
that still lingers
with the pain
and shame
everything that is supposed to make me stronger
serves to knock me down that much harder
most days
strength
and courage
are great things to have
when you have them
and when you don’t
their pain lingers
like bittersweet love on your lips
tingling and tasteless
but there
reminding
and there
just beyond your grasp
reminding
of all the things you want to deserve
and long for
and memories that hurt so deep
and bring you to your knees
with pain in your chest
leaving you breathless
breath
less
and tingling
and wanting
and waiting
longing for the courage
to face the next days battles
wanting and waiting
for life to begin
while you know
outside the spinning of your thoughts
life
is really
just passing
you by