Writing words and rhythms through the pain

Coping hoping not doping

Left that life behind

My mind tries to remind me

But I know different

I remember the hell

The lies my mind doesn’t tell

I don’t want to go back

Even though those thoughts attack

Numbing my mind at a time

Was all I knew to unwind

Hoping to die everyday

Was no way to live

I think I have more to live for now

I try, I try, I cry, but I don’t die

I hurt myself, I hurt others

Not on purpose – the others

Myself – sometimes

The pain trapped inside

Don’t tell others I abide

They don’t want to know

It’s too much too intense

The hurt is way more immense

Than most can fathom

So I write and I write and I write

I hear what they say but I keep writing

I withdrew from it all

To find me again

I didn’t like what I found

So I’m writing a new me

New writing new words

New head lobotomy

If only it were that easy you see

I get you dont like it

I know what I’ve done

No matter how I try to move on

Here I sit again

Why bother whyyyyyy boooother!?

Apparently I have something to offer??

Apparently I help people

While I also intensely hurt people

Make up your fucking mind

And I thought I was the bipolar one

No wonder I’m crazy

With these mind games

So many games

But they aren’t fun anymore

Why can’t we go back

To when games were fun

And these heavy weights of life

Didn’t crush us beyond repair

I can’t get up anymore

I got up for my last time

Tell me why

Why should I get up

Tell me why

Your answer isn’t good enough

How does it feel


How does it feel

Now the tables are reversed

How does it feel





I’m out.





Originally written winter/19